Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
THIS MORNING'S NEWS
And todays news:
President Bush decided to resign, Said one White house official:Mr Bush was confronted by all the parents of the kids that have gone to Iraq and have died or lost limbs, and by all the people that lost jobs because of the hike in gas prices. Frightened by the thought of his own demise, Mr. Bush decided to disguise himself as a homeless woman, (He stole the clothes right off of an 80 year old lady) and snuck out of the white house.One of the old lady's friends yanked the clothes off of President Bush, in the middle of the Mall in Washington. The laughter was heard for miles on in when everyone saw that Mr. Bush was actually missing a certain appendage.
In Other news:Osama Bin Ladden was caught with his pants down - litereally Ladden was drunk and was running around his camp naked saying I have something for you!!! And tried to have sex with all the men in his unit. Till one finally got angry and beheaded Ladden. However, it was not the head from his shoulders that was beheaded.
In Texas crowds surrond the Elder Bush's home to have a bonfire. The Bush home will be set fire today at dusk.
Because of Todays unusual events, the gas prices will be lowered to .05 per gallon. And all troops will be coming home.
President Bush decided to resign, Said one White house official:Mr Bush was confronted by all the parents of the kids that have gone to Iraq and have died or lost limbs, and by all the people that lost jobs because of the hike in gas prices. Frightened by the thought of his own demise, Mr. Bush decided to disguise himself as a homeless woman, (He stole the clothes right off of an 80 year old lady) and snuck out of the white house.One of the old lady's friends yanked the clothes off of President Bush, in the middle of the Mall in Washington. The laughter was heard for miles on in when everyone saw that Mr. Bush was actually missing a certain appendage.
In Other news:Osama Bin Ladden was caught with his pants down - litereally Ladden was drunk and was running around his camp naked saying I have something for you!!! And tried to have sex with all the men in his unit. Till one finally got angry and beheaded Ladden. However, it was not the head from his shoulders that was beheaded.
In Texas crowds surrond the Elder Bush's home to have a bonfire. The Bush home will be set fire today at dusk.
Because of Todays unusual events, the gas prices will be lowered to .05 per gallon. And all troops will be coming home.
PRESIDENT BUSH'S REPORT CARD
Bush's Report Card
posted 4/5/2007 5:52:42 AM
2 kudos
what's this?
report abuse kudos left: 5tagged: joke
ladyvampire
R= Revolting Character
E=Eviscerated Views
J=Did you mom Screw the Joker or what?
E=Cheated at both Elections
C=Circus Needs another Clown
T=Throw him to the lions
F=Get the f*** out of office NOW
R=Rude to Americans in General
O=You should be ousted from this country
M=Your mother should be tared and feathered for giving birth to you!
R=Roll on over to Arizona and Jump off the highest cliff at the Grand Canyon
O=Open your mouth and we know its a lie
M=Make haste! Lower the gas prices
P=Pour the gas that you raised the prices on all over your body and light a match
E=Stand on major free way w/emergency sign reading RUN OVER ME PLEASE!
R=You Ruined our Country, so get ready for the economic crash thanks to you
R=Remember what you did to the US, Karma will get you in the end
O=Over my dead body would I let another Bush get into office
O=Go to the Military hospitals and observe all the kids there whose lives are ruined because of you!
M=make sure you lose every dime you have.. because trust me, you will soon with all the lawsuits that are going to be against you after you get out of office
posted 4/5/2007 5:52:42 AM
2 kudos
what's this?
report abuse kudos left: 5tagged: joke
ladyvampire
R= Revolting Character
E=Eviscerated Views
J=Did you mom Screw the Joker or what?
E=Cheated at both Elections
C=Circus Needs another Clown
T=Throw him to the lions
F=Get the f*** out of office NOW
R=Rude to Americans in General
O=You should be ousted from this country
M=Your mother should be tared and feathered for giving birth to you!
R=Roll on over to Arizona and Jump off the highest cliff at the Grand Canyon
O=Open your mouth and we know its a lie
M=Make haste! Lower the gas prices
P=Pour the gas that you raised the prices on all over your body and light a match
E=Stand on major free way w/emergency sign reading RUN OVER ME PLEASE!
R=You Ruined our Country, so get ready for the economic crash thanks to you
R=Remember what you did to the US, Karma will get you in the end
O=Over my dead body would I let another Bush get into office
O=Go to the Military hospitals and observe all the kids there whose lives are ruined because of you!
M=make sure you lose every dime you have.. because trust me, you will soon with all the lawsuits that are going to be against you after you get out of office
Saw this on a Greeting Card Site
. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry...(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time...(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you...(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry...(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time...(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you...(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
Letting Go
The day you were born, I had such a glow, counting all those fingers and toes, I did not want to let you go.
The first time I looked into those eyes so beautiful and bright, I did not want to let you go that night.
The first time you smiled, oh what a glee, how happy I am and will always be!
I knew that smile, was meant just for me.
That first tooth broke through and I still have the scar, you bit my finger so hard, I laid you down to take care of it, but did not want to let you go.
And those first steps, so wobbley and unsure, you came right to me, and I hugged you close,
I did not want to let you go.
A few years later and your first day of school, and I watched
you go anxiously on that bus to go learn the golden rule, and as you sat in your seat and waived goodbye to me, I felt the tears go down my cheek, I did not want to let you go.
More years go by and puppy love strikes, you bring home that boy who for your sake I pretended to like. I let you go on that date that night, with a fair warning, Don't Be Late!!!!! And away you go, leaving me with such a fright, I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOW WANT TO LET YOU GO THAT NIGHT!
Then came the Prom you looked so beautiful with you hair that way an wearing that gown, you looked so grown up! The tears really flowed that night! And I really didn't want to let you go but I did.
Now its Graduation, and when they called your name, I stood up and cheered like I was insane! God I am so proud of you and I really don't want to let go, yet let go I do. So spread those oh so beautiful wings, and fly the flight of life, But if sorrow ever comes you know you can come home to these arms that will hold you tight, and know forever my heart will not let you go!
The first time I looked into those eyes so beautiful and bright, I did not want to let you go that night.
The first time you smiled, oh what a glee, how happy I am and will always be!
I knew that smile, was meant just for me.
That first tooth broke through and I still have the scar, you bit my finger so hard, I laid you down to take care of it, but did not want to let you go.
And those first steps, so wobbley and unsure, you came right to me, and I hugged you close,
I did not want to let you go.
A few years later and your first day of school, and I watched
you go anxiously on that bus to go learn the golden rule, and as you sat in your seat and waived goodbye to me, I felt the tears go down my cheek, I did not want to let you go.
More years go by and puppy love strikes, you bring home that boy who for your sake I pretended to like. I let you go on that date that night, with a fair warning, Don't Be Late!!!!! And away you go, leaving me with such a fright, I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOW WANT TO LET YOU GO THAT NIGHT!
Then came the Prom you looked so beautiful with you hair that way an wearing that gown, you looked so grown up! The tears really flowed that night! And I really didn't want to let you go but I did.
Now its Graduation, and when they called your name, I stood up and cheered like I was insane! God I am so proud of you and I really don't want to let go, yet let go I do. So spread those oh so beautiful wings, and fly the flight of life, But if sorrow ever comes you know you can come home to these arms that will hold you tight, and know forever my heart will not let you go!
Ode to Mom
She was my best friend, my confidant,
she was my angel, she was Mom.
She kissed my boo boos away, and caught
me when I was two, running naked down the street
with nothing on but a pair of gloves!
She made sure I did all my homework, and worried
when I was sick.and when I was bad, out came the stick!!!
She worked hard at making sure I had the best, and made
darned surethat in school I did my best! She set an example,
of love and caring, and showed me how to take care of hard situations,
with out causing another "situation" She was the one that kept us out
of trouble with dad Her driving was the joke of the family
(trust me, when a cop pulls your mom over and tells you to drive for the
good of the community, even though you don't have your license on you,
you never let anyonelive that down!) She taught me that forgivness
wasn't for the one who did you wrong, but for you, so you don't carry
it around on your shoulders. As much as we loved her, we loved when
she did letdad take over the cooking, (She did burn water!) She was a
very serious person, so when she did something totally off the wall, you
remembered it. She was very much into god, and our country, She said
both were in our blood. She lovedhelping others, and did so very often.
She worked hard on her job, to make sure my siblings and I didn't have
to break our backs on ours. She also made dad happy, which definately made us
happy!!!! She was the one that made sure we heard her when we woke
up with a hangover the law said we shouldn't have!!!!!
She was our angel, our compassion, our love, and most important,
she was mom. She has gone to heaven, to watch over us now, b
et she has those golden wings, 'cause with mefor a daughter,
SHE SURE EARNED THEM.
she was my angel, she was Mom.
She kissed my boo boos away, and caught
me when I was two, running naked down the street
with nothing on but a pair of gloves!
She made sure I did all my homework, and worried
when I was sick.and when I was bad, out came the stick!!!
She worked hard at making sure I had the best, and made
darned surethat in school I did my best! She set an example,
of love and caring, and showed me how to take care of hard situations,
with out causing another "situation" She was the one that kept us out
of trouble with dad Her driving was the joke of the family
(trust me, when a cop pulls your mom over and tells you to drive for the
good of the community, even though you don't have your license on you,
you never let anyonelive that down!) She taught me that forgivness
wasn't for the one who did you wrong, but for you, so you don't carry
it around on your shoulders. As much as we loved her, we loved when
she did letdad take over the cooking, (She did burn water!) She was a
very serious person, so when she did something totally off the wall, you
remembered it. She was very much into god, and our country, She said
both were in our blood. She lovedhelping others, and did so very often.
She worked hard on her job, to make sure my siblings and I didn't have
to break our backs on ours. She also made dad happy, which definately made us
happy!!!! She was the one that made sure we heard her when we woke
up with a hangover the law said we shouldn't have!!!!!
She was our angel, our compassion, our love, and most important,
she was mom. She has gone to heaven, to watch over us now, b
et she has those golden wings, 'cause with mefor a daughter,
SHE SURE EARNED THEM.
KRAZY KAT
When I was about twelve years old a friend of mine had a siamese kitten, and she couldn't keep it, so, not sure what dad would say, but figured I would take him anyway, I hid him in my room.
I grabbed tuna fish, and some hamburger and fed it to him.
I didnt know that cats required a litter box at that time.
Nor did I realize that cats like to climb and claw things, ie, bed spreads, furniture, clothes, etc .
I was eating dinner and the cat started to meow. So, my dad looked up, and I lipsinced... cat meowed several more times, and I kept doing the lip sinc thing, he finally ask me why was I meowing, and when I tried to tell him I was practicing to play a joke on my friend, the cat meowed again. He says OK, WHERE IS IT? and right after that, NO YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
Well, I knew my dad loved animals, so I brought him out of my room and showed him the cat. Dad took one look at him, and the cat snuggled up to him, licked his face, and that was it, Krazy Kat had a new home. And trust me, that cat came by his name honestly!!!
I grabbed tuna fish, and some hamburger and fed it to him.
I didnt know that cats required a litter box at that time.
Nor did I realize that cats like to climb and claw things, ie, bed spreads, furniture, clothes, etc .
I was eating dinner and the cat started to meow. So, my dad looked up, and I lipsinced... cat meowed several more times, and I kept doing the lip sinc thing, he finally ask me why was I meowing, and when I tried to tell him I was practicing to play a joke on my friend, the cat meowed again. He says OK, WHERE IS IT? and right after that, NO YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
Well, I knew my dad loved animals, so I brought him out of my room and showed him the cat. Dad took one look at him, and the cat snuggled up to him, licked his face, and that was it, Krazy Kat had a new home. And trust me, that cat came by his name honestly!!!
TO ALL OF OUR FALLEN HEROS
For the Military:You went over there to fight for our freedom, To save us from tyranny and made sure our freedom stays intact.
For the Police:You fight the fight everysingle day, making sure the streets are safe, so our children can laugh and play,
To our Fire Fighters:You go through burning buildings the heat scorching you and others, to safe a life, and see the smile of one who thought their loved one was lost forever.
To all of our fallen heros, here and abroad, I give you a standing ovation, Its to you I applaud. You are in our memories, and thoughts abound, because you are our guardian angels, and we know your spirit is around!
For the Police:You fight the fight everysingle day, making sure the streets are safe, so our children can laugh and play,
To our Fire Fighters:You go through burning buildings the heat scorching you and others, to safe a life, and see the smile of one who thought their loved one was lost forever.
To all of our fallen heros, here and abroad, I give you a standing ovation, Its to you I applaud. You are in our memories, and thoughts abound, because you are our guardian angels, and we know your spirit is around!
25 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BY MIDDLE AGE
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.
THANKSGIVING!
We start preparing for this feast several days in advance, and are so looking forward to the following:
The grandfather who farts, and feels that is music to everyones ears and smells like roses. Watching husband carve the turkey, giving himself the big Drumstick... DREAM ON!
The over-eating, The sister who whines, so you offer her some cheese to go with it.
The childrens laughter, just before one of them has to start hitting, causing another to scream. (Or maybe just some teasing,) which brings out about the same response. Which gives you the "Holiday Headache
The inevitable argument that takes place every year, the drinking, the overeating and so on. The loud snores from grandpa when he sits in the chair in front of the t.v. after eating, making it impossible to watch tv and hear it.
Then comes dessert. Yummy. And after everyone leaves, you look forward to doing this along with the gift-giving for Christmas! AHHHHHHH Holidays!
The grandfather who farts, and feels that is music to everyones ears and smells like roses. Watching husband carve the turkey, giving himself the big Drumstick... DREAM ON!
The over-eating, The sister who whines, so you offer her some cheese to go with it.
The childrens laughter, just before one of them has to start hitting, causing another to scream. (Or maybe just some teasing,) which brings out about the same response. Which gives you the "Holiday Headache
The inevitable argument that takes place every year, the drinking, the overeating and so on. The loud snores from grandpa when he sits in the chair in front of the t.v. after eating, making it impossible to watch tv and hear it.
Then comes dessert. Yummy. And after everyone leaves, you look forward to doing this along with the gift-giving for Christmas! AHHHHHHH Holidays!
TAKE A LOOK
Take a look at me, don't be shy, I can promise I won't hurt your eyes.
Take a look at the little girl deep inside,
the one who cries because the only love that has been given her from men,
was nothing but lies.
Take a look at the heart that has been broken many times,
by loved ones of all kinds.
Take a look at the love that waits there for the right person,
the embrace of passion and loves intimacy,
Take a look at the eyes, so blue yet full of tears, f
rom the hurt that has been all she has known for years.
Take a good long look, because soon, I may not be here.
Take a look at me, and see, the hurt from being accused
wrongly of so many things.
Take a look and find, its not possessions I want, just peice of mind,
in knowing that someone loves me, for me, and
not for sex or anything I can do for him.
Take a look at a heart that is so scarred from searching all the
wrong places for a love that doesn't exist for me.
Take a long deep look, and see, that I am so alone, and aching,
so wanting to be with you, in your arms, hearing you say
I love you, and knowing you mean it.
Take a look at the little girl deep inside,
the one who cries because the only love that has been given her from men,
was nothing but lies.
Take a look at the heart that has been broken many times,
by loved ones of all kinds.
Take a look at the love that waits there for the right person,
the embrace of passion and loves intimacy,
Take a look at the eyes, so blue yet full of tears, f
rom the hurt that has been all she has known for years.
Take a good long look, because soon, I may not be here.
Take a look at me, and see, the hurt from being accused
wrongly of so many things.
Take a look and find, its not possessions I want, just peice of mind,
in knowing that someone loves me, for me, and
not for sex or anything I can do for him.
Take a look at a heart that is so scarred from searching all the
wrong places for a love that doesn't exist for me.
Take a long deep look, and see, that I am so alone, and aching,
so wanting to be with you, in your arms, hearing you say
I love you, and knowing you mean it.
A RECENTLY SINGLE WOMANS HAPPINESS
Not falling on the floor because he takes up all of the bed.
Not listening to snores that sound like a frieght train heading directly to you.
Not having to deal with dirty socks and underwear laying all over the place.
Control of the remotes!
Going shopping without hearing about it later.
Being able to go out with the girls, and actually enjoying yourself.
Not dealing with temper tantrums from an adult because you said no.
The ability to come home from work and actually rest before making dinner.
Taking a long relaxing soak in the tub without interruption!
Taking time for yourself, instead of putting him first.
Being able to pamper yourself, without hearing a bunch of crap about the cost
Not having to worry about the toilet seat being in the wrong position!
Not listening to snores that sound like a frieght train heading directly to you.
Not having to deal with dirty socks and underwear laying all over the place.
Control of the remotes!
Going shopping without hearing about it later.
Being able to go out with the girls, and actually enjoying yourself.
Not dealing with temper tantrums from an adult because you said no.
The ability to come home from work and actually rest before making dinner.
Taking a long relaxing soak in the tub without interruption!
Taking time for yourself, instead of putting him first.
Being able to pamper yourself, without hearing a bunch of crap about the cost
Not having to worry about the toilet seat being in the wrong position!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Predjudice
I fear to go where angels tread, for then I may meet with the dead.
The silent whispers on the nigh, I start to shake and then I cry.
So harden are we that we barely saw, on the rooftops when the bombs did fall.
Taking innocent lives, one by one, and we knew not a one.
Dare we judge on ones dear race, or the slant of the eyes on their face.
For if we do, needless to say, we will then be judged anew.
Heroshima, the Holocost, and Iraq too..
are mistakes that we all have dealt with, me and you too.
Pearl Harbor, though in the past, you can still see the ships, even some masts..
Prejudice reigns, near and far, yet when we think about it, it leaves an awful scar,
on the face of humanity, and our children too..
How could Gods creation, turn into such a zoo?
Fear of the night, for someone might, step on that doorstep,
and then you run, as he points at you with a gun.
Shadows fall across the night, and you run in fear, with the night..
on the one chance you will see that fear is there in you and me.
You think it’s the black man, and maybe Italian too, but what if they felt the same about you? Fear and Lothing should be past but not as long as someone’s ass is in an uproar about some thing some tiny inevitable thing that keeps that freedom bell from starting to ring.
The silent whispers on the nigh, I start to shake and then I cry.
So harden are we that we barely saw, on the rooftops when the bombs did fall.
Taking innocent lives, one by one, and we knew not a one.
Dare we judge on ones dear race, or the slant of the eyes on their face.
For if we do, needless to say, we will then be judged anew.
Heroshima, the Holocost, and Iraq too..
are mistakes that we all have dealt with, me and you too.
Pearl Harbor, though in the past, you can still see the ships, even some masts..
Prejudice reigns, near and far, yet when we think about it, it leaves an awful scar,
on the face of humanity, and our children too..
How could Gods creation, turn into such a zoo?
Fear of the night, for someone might, step on that doorstep,
and then you run, as he points at you with a gun.
Shadows fall across the night, and you run in fear, with the night..
on the one chance you will see that fear is there in you and me.
You think it’s the black man, and maybe Italian too, but what if they felt the same about you? Fear and Lothing should be past but not as long as someone’s ass is in an uproar about some thing some tiny inevitable thing that keeps that freedom bell from starting to ring.
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